I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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