dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
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