a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
my shit smells like andre
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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