I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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