Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
