I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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