Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
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I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
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He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird