Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
These 19 Underage Drinkers Epicly Got By With A Horrible Fake ID
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
These Are The 21 Strangest Sexual Fantasy Confessions
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.