you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
