I'm gonna have a badass scar
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
you have to choose: penises or morals?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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