I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
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I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
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This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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