I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
