shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
