Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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