I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
