You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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