Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
