I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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