being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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