totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
