Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
You ate ashes out of my bong
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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