You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.