dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Randomize
