hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
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I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
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So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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