WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
