Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize