hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
two words...techno handjob
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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