i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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