You just made me feel so damn special
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
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Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
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He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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