I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
