If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Acid is not a monday night drug
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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