last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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