i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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