Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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