I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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