Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
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Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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