Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
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