I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
