my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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