what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
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He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
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I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
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