Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
