what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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