Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
