my sisters under your porch take her home
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
