Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
