It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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