sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
