I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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