What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
