my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
