Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?