I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
