I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
