Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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