Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
