I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Enjoy the penises
Randomize
