He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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